Dreamscapes

Image made for my short story “The Desert Lights” by my good friend Maxwell Lee

“And then the fireworks begin and the crowd cheers. Spastic patterns of all colors spiral across the night. Red and blue sparkles, purple and yellow palm trees, green bursts that produce maraca sounds. After the first few fireworks explode Becky leans in closer to me and we kiss. A red and blue kiss, a kiss under purple and yellow palm trees and kissing to maraca sounds. The sky above is a spectacle to behold and the field below a shadow land of awed onlookers and us, kissing.”

Dear self,

Why are you so tired all of the time? How come you wake up and go to work only to come home and desire bed? You used to be able to work through the day and then play long into the night, drinking into delirium, laughing with friends, being alive. 

Where did your heart go? There isn’t a beat when the rhythm of the music comes on. You play because that is what you have always done, because it used to define a major part of you. What do you do it for now? Do you even know?

Why have you become scared of your writing, your art? What was once so effortless, so natural, has become the ultimate terror. Why does everything feel so immediate, so small and enclosed? What happened to fun, to the joy of the art itself? You have become the wall in front of yourself. You, alone.

What happened where you are not even sad, but feel nothing at all? What happens when nothing is worth anything? 

What are you going to do? Please help.

Sincerely,

Your self

Something is happening that I can’t quite grasp. 

“When I enter the lights are so bright because they don’t want me to see. I’m engulfed; I’m washed away by brightness and white. I’m squinting just to see where to step next. This is what they want, a tactic they use to get me to buy things I don’t need. I’m supposed to buy things based on sound, based on touch, a soft feminine voice saying “…and it’s all natural, the main ingredient is the leaves from an exotic plant native to Venezuela, your skin will be refreshed, will feel like new…” and me I reply, “I don’t want to feel like new. I want to feel like me.””